I Wander

the world as I see it…

Archive for category rants

Confessions

Jan 20

Posted by kosh in rants, usual

I’ve been holding back on my reflections for too long now. Not long ago, I graduated with a bachelor’s degree in Computer Engineering from the University of Washington. I was one of the lucky few to find a job in the economy then and haven’t really looked back. I’ve been working at Microsoft for the past 4 months and it has been quite a ride. I’m going to try and summarize all that I have encountered/realized in the past few months.

School/Education/All that jazz

I feel that this is probably the most overly hyped part of our lives. My time in college can be described as doing mundane tasks, homework, exams that thousands have done before me. Zero challenges in any of my major courses (except for my capstone and some) and generally feeling lost and without purpose. I tried my best keep my brain occupied (research, extra projects..) but it was all pointless. I’ve learnt more in the 4 months of work than my 2 years in one of the best CSE schools in the country.I sometimes wish that I had come to work right out of high school. But not really…because, college is also one of the best periods in my life. Mostly due to the people I met, the random classes(non-major) that helped my understanding of the world(cliche, I know) and getting to live with my brother.

People (mostly extended family) keep asking me if when I would pursue my masters degree and the only thing I can think of is ‘never’. I never really understood the whole point of going to school if I didn’t like research. Unfortunately, my extended family does not understand this and they feel that it would be hard for them to find me a girl to marry if I didn’t have another degree. See, the marriage is a market in India. They want to sell me to the highest bidder in the market and the only way to get higher bids in the market is to have more degrees. The system makes me angry, I feel like punching a hole in the wall everytime they talk about finding me a girl. I find it really hard to believe that they don’t care what I want… anyways

Work

I couldn’t be happier with where I work currently and what I am working on. My team at Microsoft is one of the coolest (based on many coworker accounts) and has an average age of under 30 years. I connect with every single one of them (90 or so) and have never felt so comfortable. People here, respect me for who I am and what I know. I wish I went to school with all these guys. Maybe that would have helped my 2 boring years in the major.

Money

I still struggling with managing my money. My brother told me that saving money was not easy and he couldn’t have been more correct. I still do have a lot of money left over from my paychecks every couple of weeks but it is nowhere close to what I expected to save. Living by yourself isn’t cheap and managing money takes time as well. I had so  many plans for my money and how I would spend it once I started making some and well now that I have some, its not that attractive anymore. I no longer have the desire to be insanely rich or own a big house or a fancy car. Sure, they would be nice to have but I’d rather travel with all the money I make.

Music/Movies/Documentaries

Not having cable TV has been a blessing in disguise. I do miss coming home to watch random crap on TV but instead, I now spend most of my time listening to the radio, music, watching offbeat movies and documentaries on Netflix. Add some gaming to it on the weekends and I’m living the life I want to live. I never realized how much I missed gaming until I started to get back into it. Coming to think of it, college made me lose a lot of things that I was passionate about. My Xbox360 and I have become inseparable and I like it.

Social scene

I lost a few good friends since college, but the ones that stuck around are awesome. I spend the weekends on their couch and it doesn’t really feel right if we don’t hang out every weekend. We end up dancing at a club every weekend which is always good. The girl/companion part has been a little lacking so far but working on it takes way too much energy. I never want the ones that want me and the ones I am interested in, never look back.

Life

I’m at a point in my life where I have no idea what I want. Everything so far seems superficial, drilled into my head by the society. The expectation to have a college degree, to find a job, to get married(to the girl my parents find me) before I hit 30, have kids after that, work for 30 years, retire, die and so on. Add some God into the mix and that is exactly the life I dread!

Frankly, I’d rather jump out of an airplane once without a parachute than go through 40+ years, trying to fulfill and justify my existence on this planet. I’m not the kind that hates society, I understand that humans are social animals. I’m just sick of having to live someone’s dream than my own. So, what’s stopping me from living my dream you ask? Well, I haven’t started dreaming yet. Or, I’ve hit the wall in terms of what I dream. For example, when I was in middle school, I dreamt about high school. In high school, I couldn’t wait to get to college. In college, I couldn’t wait to start working. And now what?

A lot of what my brother told me over the years make sense now, but he only told me what to expect and never what to do. And I’m glad he did that because that is exactly what I wanted, what I needed. I lucky to have had a brother like him and knew exactly what to say and when to say it.

What can I do? What should I do? I can tell that this isn’t going to be easy… Adios

Tags: , , ,

2 Comments

Identities

Aug 6

Posted by kosh in rants, usual

Yesterday was one of the most auspicious days in a Brahmin’s life. It was Avani Avittam and today was the followup to it with Gayathri Japam. Check out the links for more information on it.

I woke up yesterday to find my dad waiting to help me change my poonal. I took a shower and he promised that it would only take 5 minutes to perform the ceremony, which usually takes an hour or so. Half way into the 5 minute ordeal, I ask him a few questions about why some things had to be done the way they were and he responded with the usual ‘we just do good things and don’t ask questions…’. At the end, I had a new poonal on me and I guess that made my mom happy, which is what my dad and I were to hoping to get out of it all. I think my dad understood that I wasn’t really interested in these rituals much.

Fast forward to this morning, I wake up and my dad is no where in sight. Today is ‘Gayathri Japam’ where we sit down and recite a mantra 1008 times to get good things to happen to us. My mom doesn’t say much except for a fleeting question as to whether I plan to do the japam today. I nod and she starts talking about something else. I took a shower and said the mantra 36 times and went about my business after that. If you are wondering why I did the mini-japam by myself without any real prodding, I would have to say that I don’t really know.

What I have been trying and fighting to shed all the years is not my cultural identity but rather my religious identity. The problem with being a brahmin boy born into a practicing brahmin family is that my cultural identity as an Indian, a south indian, a tamizh person, a brahmin, an iyengar, a thengalai is so intertwined with the Hindu religion that it makes everything complicated. I am proud of what I was born into, I just don’t believe that being born into something makes me who I am now. That said, I still can’t really tell you the difference between my religious and cultural identity.

One thing I do appreciate is how patient my parents have been with me, through all this. Although there have been numerous debates and arguments about my religious preferences, I’ve never really been pressured to follow what they believe in. I question everything, don’t follow rituals that make no sense, don’t believe in superstitions, don’t visit temples(anymore), don’t pray, etc. It takes a lot of courage and effort to accept your kids for who they turn out to be and for my mom, I am the embodiment of the worst brahmin kid that any brahmin mother can hope to have. But she is able to see past all that and see me as her son.

And that is much more than what I can ask from her….

Tags: , , , , ,

1 Comment

Expectations

Jul 30

Posted by kosh in rants, usual

My trip has been quite a let down so far. Now, don’t get me wrong. I still like this town (maybe..) and am having a good time but the expectations that I had built up based on other people’s accounts, are now shattered.

The city is developing but nowhere close to the point where it can still call itself a major metropolitan city. The districts that lie just outside the city, and claimed to be upcoming and developing, have roads that are about 16 feet wide which means that they are really about 10 feet wide, given the housing intrusions, etc.

Now, that makes it just wide enough for a single truck to pass through…if there are no other vehicles parked on the street. Oh and did I mention that they have no roads or sewer lines or water lines for that matter? Sure, there are a bunch of infrastructure development projects being implemented in the city, but its at least 5+ years away from being livable.

But its the people that surprise me the most here. Chaos seems to be an accepted way of life with no regard to anyone else. I’ve created many scenarios for major multiple vehicle collisions by stopping at red lights, in the 8 days that I have been driving here. Fender benders are a common sight and people don’t even bother to get down or fight or ask for a compensation anymore. A cursory glance is all you can expect and they just drive away.

People litter, drive on the wrong side of the road, run red lights and do everything else that was UNacceptable, just four years ago. My friend tells me that this is how its always been and that I’ve changed and so have my expectations. I beg to differ. Four years ago, there were people who would still try to follow the rules, who would still get angry at those that break it and there were people who still cared.

Is it too much to expect people to follow basic road rules, respect other people, not litter and generally act civilized? People here, suck at self-governance and I think it is the result of a over-controlling school system and a creatively oppressed childhood filled with tuition classes and overly ambitious parents. I’m going to wait until I visit Bangalore, Mumbai, Kolkata and Delhi before I write this country off for good.

I do however know that I will never ever consider living in Chennai again. The city I knew, the city I grew up in, is as good as dead. The one that exists in its place is one of chaos, confusion and inhabited by a species that has forgotten what it is that makes them human.

Tags: , , , , ,

5 Comments