This post contains a ton of profanities. I apologize but there is no way that I can censor it without losing the essence of my feelings and my pain. Bear with me, because there are a ton of grammar errors as well since I typed it out as I was watching the movie and my tense is messed up too… This would quite possibly be the worst blog post you have and will ever read from me. Here we go -
I felt brave today, brave enough to watch a tamizh movie after 3 years.Ok, I take that back. I did watch Sivaji a year ago but only because I am abig fan of Rajni. And so, with Kamal being the other big guy in the industry, I had pretty high hopes for the movie. The movie sucks so bad that I’m writing this as I watch it so that I wouldn’t forget what to make fun of.
The movie starts off with a classic duel in the 12th century between the Iyers and the Iyengars. Having born into an Iyengar family and with my mom trying as hard as she can to raise me as one, I somehow felt drawn into the battle. I do have to say that it was the worst depiction possible of either sect and a complete piece of crap. So bad, that I have no words for it. Anyways, I got through the first 15 minutes of the movie thinking it could only get better after that but boy, was I wrong. The movie shifts to narration mode and then abruptly to the US where Kamal takes his next role as a bio-engineering genius developing some crazy virus. In short, he builds something, his company gets a huge funding boost with billions of dollars and then a monkey eats the virus and dies and is drowned in NaCl and then Kamal refuses to do whatever the f(*k he was doing and the boss gets angry, hires an ass-faced hitman (which is Kamal again) and then there’s a chase and Kamal is betrayed by a friend who is then killed by the ass face while Kamal keeps running and ends up knocked out in a cargo bay of a cargo plane headed for India. He somehow survives at 40000ft in a de-pressurized cabin but WTF this is a movie. Anyways, then the ass face wants to go to India and looks for a translator and finds Mallika Sherawat in Vegas dancing in a bikini(she was apparently trained by the CIA in Pakistan). They get married that night and head for India and she speaks tamizh btw. Anyways, in the middle of all this there is a cut scene in Japan where Kamal is now a Japanese master of something and the brother of Kamal’s betraying friend’s wife who is a champion in some shit and was also killed by the ass face. Anyways, now the japanese Kamal wants to avenge his sister’s death or some shit like that and goes in search of the bio-engineer Kamal while the ass face Kamal who married Mallika Sherawat is also going to India to kill the bio-engineer and get the virus.
And the next cut scene is with Bush (Kamal again, WTF) being briefed by some NSA-CIA-SS-FBI kind of agency about the bio-engineer Kamal being missing and what not…Oh shit they just mentioned Iran and Iraq and Afganistan and the cargo plane flying over it and then Bush wants to talk to Manmohan Singh. Oh I’m on the next scene now, the cargo plane just landed and a RAW agent (India’s more competent CIA, for the ignorant) walked in…. guess who plays this character… Kamal, no shit! And he speaks telugu and asks the bio-engineer Kamal if he was a terrific scientist or a scientific terrorist… haha, I almost died laughing at that one… NOT. Apparently, Tamizh is the third largest spoken language in India after Hindi and Telugu.Oh wait, the RAW agent is supposed to be funny and add humor the movie. I don’t really like how the RAW agent is portrayed. Anyhoo… the Ass face made it to the iterrogation room with Mallika Sherawat and killed RAF black cat and the police inspector and now they are walking out …wait there’s another Kamal dressed up as a sikh who is a pop star and hes at the airport too and he’s talking tamizh and coughing blood and people are panicking…Anyways, bio guy escaps the ass face and is pursuit of the package which is delivered to an old lady who is Kamal again… seriously WTF is wrong with people who made this crap… anyways, bio guys just said ebola synthetic lethal virus in one single sentence… oh well. They are on the run again with a deity statue and so on and….. son of a (*&(*&…. another Kamal (as an activist)!!! and the bio guy just escaped in a lorry with people chasing him on foot. Oh and the lorry just crashed taking a tempo with it and why am I not surprised… here comes another Kamal (as a muslim)… and then they all go to the hospital and now the Kamal who was a sikh before is also there cuz he was coughing blood and has cancer and can”t sing anymore but wants to sing and something like that. They all run from the hospital, lose the virus on the way and then get it back again and now the final scene is in a beach where the bio guy’s trying ti put the vial in the sea but the ass face catches up and stabs him with a pen knife… wtf
Now, the Japanese Kamal catches up and wants to kill the ass face. Looooooooong fight scene and then the ass face (who is American) and the Japanese Kamal taunt each other over pearl harbor and hiroshima (wtf again?) and then the japanese is about the kill the ass face but the ass face eats the vial and starts dying. Meanwhile the RAW Kamal uses some kind of binoculars from the helicopter and watches the virus multiply and everyone’s is about to die when the Tsunami stikes and buries the ass face in NaCl and everyone but a few thousand die. And so the movie ends with the some retarded statements on God and higher power and crap and whew….!!
Now, this is why I don’t watch Indian movies anymore… 